Thursday, 3 December 2009

25 Random Things About Jo

Here goes...

1. I'm from High Harrington in Cumbria. I can see the sea and Scotland out of my old bedroom window and some sheep and 3 cows out of the bathroom window. I especially like it when chickens come into the garden. It's right by Workington which became famous when the Sky News chopper flashed it on every tv in the land as the Norths biggest swimming pool. The clean up will take months.

2. I am scared of clowns, they are just wrong. Because of this I can't watch more than 20 minutes of Stephen Kings IT. I stood on a clowns foot at a circus when he tried to give me a balloon.

3. I have done a number 1 and number 2 off one of the 7 great Wonders of the World. But it isnt my fault as they haven't built Toliets into the great Wall of China.

4. I drink so much red wine Lisa has named me Jo Merlot. I drink White when wearing light colours as I have a tendancy to spill or when drinking with Lysha as she prefers it and Ste as he is allergic to red - which is both tradgic and weird.

5. I have a fur coat, he is so furry he needed a name so I called him Henry. He is real but vintage. While I realise this is not politically correct hes too warm to abandon.

6. I can drive a Bobcat fork lift and use an industrial cleaning buffer, I learnt how to do both of these things in prison. The first time I used the buffer I fell on my arse and put a dent in one of the prisoners lockers... it is still there today.

7. I have been to 4 prisons in my life, two paid me, one was for free and one cost me $6 to get in, it was discounted with my ISIC card. Only one had its own gift shop, I bought a post card and an orange pencil.

8. I have a huge crush on Gordon Ramsey, depsite him having a Potty Mouth. I would liked to be spanked by a sauce ladle on a very clean work surface and swore at. He makes me want to shout Woof. I only hope he will make me dinner afterwards, something light like a salmon with green beans and garlic herb potatoes.

9. I wish I lived on the Disc World and worked for Sargent Vimes in the Watch. I would love to think that the world is happily sat on 4 elephants a giant turtle.

10. I've very allergic to peanuts, my throat swells until I stop breathing so I have to carry an epi pen with me where ever I go. So please don't feed me anything with nuts in or eat peanuts in bars near me and yes that does mean I can't eat Crunch Nut cornflakes

11. I'm scared of flying I need 6 gin & tonics and 2 vallium to get on a plane. Despite this I have been to 17 countries and have done a fixed line sky dive, I plan to do another if anyone wants to join me.

12. I actually like my appendix scare, its been there since I was 13 so I would miss it if it vanished. Also if I can see it above my jeans it means my jeans are too low and its very likely you could park a bike in my bum crack

13. I run a club night called Playtime with the boys. Dex has on occasion taken his shirt off and ran round like a pilock and Joel has taken his brain off and ran round like a hamster on speed. We have on bands and DJ's, its been running for 5 years and I happen to believe it is the most awesome night in Chorlton.

14. I don't like public displays of affection, especially by teenagers on buses. I cough and shout "Get A Room". I realise one day this might get me stabbed, especially on the 192 bus as I am convinced most people on that bus are on crack.

15. When I go bowling I can get zero even with lane bumpers. I think this make me special in my own unique way. I do have a knack for bowling on the wii though.

16. I used to work as a photographer at night and a waitress in a diner during the day in Maryland USA, my brother currently works in a children's hospital in Memphis Tennessee. I have no plans to move back over the pond, but he has no plans to return to Blighty

17. I think Dr Zeuss who wrote the Cat in the hat was a genius. I do not like Green Egg and ham, not in a house or with a mouse.

18. I love both Lysha and Lisa equally, so there is no need to fight over me :-)

19. Chocolate milk shakes make up at least 37% of my diet. I have been barred from the Sandbar for drinking them at the bar and once started a petition when the college I used to work at stopped selling them in the canteen. My favourite is Chocolate Brownie Fiji. Mint chocolate is also very impressive, you get minty free breath and calcium goodness.

20. Caffine sends me out of my tree so I only began drinking tea at the age of 27. I like it weak with lots of milk with 3 sugars if you're offering.

21. I am always cold. I have been told its like sleeping with an popiscal. My hands are feet are also an average of 7 degrees colder than my bum

22. Despite the fact I swear like sailor I like to tell the teenagers I teach to "Stop Effing and Geoffing" I sometimes feel guilty as I don't know anyone called Geoff, apart from ali's car which doesn't speak so I don't know if Geoff uses foul language or not, I think he uses Disel.

23. When I was younger I was on a game show, it was embarrasing so I won't tell you which one, but I suppose its not as bad as being a Pampers baby

24. I am additced to humus and pita, especially the red pepper kind from Asda. Carrot sticks are also a popular choice and I'm getting one of my reccomended 5 a day

25. I once went to a fancy dress party as Penelope Pittstop, I think I was my finest moment. Lysha surpassed me in the fancy dress department when she dressed up a rubix cube.

1 comment:

marmarama said...

You're right, telling kids what to do on the 192 is dangerous. It used to be my bus route, living in Levenshulme as I did. One night, a heady combination of a couple of beers, an argumentative time out with my ex and most importantly the irritating sound of tinny UK Garage blasting from a mobile phone on the back of the bus caused me to lose my cool. I turned round to the kids at the back of the bus and told them loudly to shut the fucking hell up. I remember the looks I got from the other passengers on the bus, half in admiration, half in horror. I realised my mistake immediately, but I was in such a bad mood already I didn't care. The biggest of the 15 year-olds decided to come forward and told me to fuck off and that he would do whatever he wanted to do on the bus. Foolishly I answered back, told him that he was being a prick. He gave me a sneer and went and sat down again, and turned the musical gack back on.

Shortly after, I had to get off the bus, and to my horror realised that all the kids on the back of the bus were exiting the bus after me, and that they were spoiling for a kicking. One of them already had a knife in his hand. I wasn't much in the mood for getting stabbed, so I ran. I can tell you that it's not fun being chased by a bunch of the Longsight crew with a murderous glint in their eyes, but it is a pretty good adrenaline rush. I don't think I'd want to do it on a regular basis though...

Fortunately the nice lady bus driver had worked out what was going on. She slowed down the bus, let me catch up, and opened the doors while the bus was moving, letting me jump on and then immediately closed the doors. One of the kids jumped on the side of the bus and tried to hang on as it sped off, but fell off as the bus went over a bump.

I realised at that point that it's generally best to let the kids on the 192 do what they like, and if you sometimes have a short temper to maybe avoid the 192 altogether...