Cannes Day 1

First stop Cannes…

Cannes is in the Côte d'Azur region of France about 15 miles from Nice. In the summer the twisty roads are nose to tail blocked with convertibles in an array of colours and fashion, all costing a similar amount to my flat. For many the main promenade, Boulevard de la Croisette, with the beach on one side and luxury hotels, shops and boutiques on the other sums up the area. The bourgeois flock to the area and expect to have an unending supply of what ever they demand. In the words of Baudrillard, “Seduction is not that which is opposed to production. It is that which seduces production”

During the day, the focus is on the fine white sands and the azure blue of the warm Mediterranean. It is a place to be seen strolling in heals high enough to be classed as a weapon of mediocre destruction when placed in unethical hands. The emphasis is on pleasure seeking and spending a lot of money pursuing it, while simultaneously ensuring everyone is else is transfixed by you, behind Dolce & Gabbanna glasses. No one converses they merely look, judge and walk away, I can’t really think of anything worse deliberately avoiding eye contact with strangers while they rate my behind in a bikini, or attempting to look graceful while walking in heals in sand. I have never been able to perfect the in vogue and aloof look.

I’m lying on the beach in my Primark bikini and “Vintage” Oxfam glasses and I am suddenly faced with blind panic as hope to God I never become that self obsessed. I must shame facedly admit that I have gone to absurd lengths for my own personal amusement which include dislocating my neck snow boarding, applying to be the director general of the BBC, on the basis that I was hung over, the Hollyoakes Omnibus was proving to be just as monotonous as the first time round and I was a fan of East Enders and Neighbours. I also wanted to earn £105,000 per annum so I could increase my shoe collection. Although all this pales in to insignificance compared to the pinnacle of my self indulgence which required me to have my broken arm re-plastered as I got it soaking wet playing with myself in the bath. I also enjoy therapy and first dates as I can devote my time and energy to talking about myself, but I would like to believe my verbal diarrhoea is deemed to be more entertaining.